Revelation (An Inside Look At My Super Gay Zine Series)

I suppose I have the coronavirus, in all its horribleness, to thank for this zine series. While the summer of 2020 has been apocalyptic, frustrating, and all-around miserable, it has also offered time and space for self-reflection, something that is often overlooked in the craziness of normal everyday life. Without the company of a couple thousand equally confused teenagers and the monotonous bustle of high school I’ve been able to look inside myself more deeply than ever before, and I’m sure, dear reader, that you have too.

Below I’ll describe my thinking and why I chose to make the zines the way I did. Mostly this is just a way to justify having a blog post dedicated to these zines, so if you want to just look at the pictures without reading why they are the way they are that is not an incomplete way to consume them. I should also note that the title for the zine series, “Revelation”, comes from my best friend. She used the word to describe my situation and I thought it was perfect.

The “revelation” in question has to do with my identity, my sexuality, things that I don’t control but never took the time to ponder. But the whole point of making these zines is that they speak for themself. I don’t have to try to explain what I’m thinking with a simple paragraph. Instead, I can show people these little books and exchange my thoughts directly in a raw, authentic way, since most of them contain words that I wrote in my journal for no other purpose than to keep them there.

In addition to the words and images within the zines, I decided to choose a song to go with each one. This is simply because I have a minor obsession with pairing songs to other art forms and it was a lot of fun. But it was also a way to put the consumer of my zines into an environment that was specifically suited for each story I had to tell. I’ll explain the songs and why I chose them above each zine.

The first zine in the series is called “A Footprint In The Snow”. The name comes from the song Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America by (You guessed it!) The 1975. This is not only because the content of the zine is deeply inspired by its album Notes On A Conditional Form, but also because the song’s lyrics take on the perspective of queer people and relate directly to their sexuality. Although the title was inspired by it, I decided that Jesus Christ wasn’t the right song to pair with the zine musically. It’s just a little too obvious and in-your-face. Instead I picked the song The End (Music For Cars) from the same album. Mostly I picked it because it’s instrumental and a little ethereal, which pairs well with the depth and slight abstractness of the zine’s content. I knew the choice was perfect when I listened to it as I went outside to take pictures of my creation. The swelling joy of it made everything feel just a bit brighter but it also had a slight sadness to it which seemed appropriate. It seemed to describe a new beginning, which is just what I wanted.

The pictures I used in A Footprint In The Snow are cutouts from postcards I found at an antique shop. Although the words don’t describe anything I would consider religious, the church architecture played into the idea of questioning and contemplating one’s existence. I consider A Footprint to be more of a preface than anything else. It doesn’t really touch on the topic that I’m ultimately trying to convey with the series but it sort of sets it up as something that should be taken seriously, but also taken with a sense of wonder, a reminder that nothing really makes sense anyway.

Revelation part two is called “Fragments of an Unsent Letter” because that’s exactly what is is. I knew I wanted to tell my family and friends about my revelation but I wasn’t sure about the best way to do it. I wanted it to be something I could show them, something they could digest separately from a conversation. My first idea was to write a letter. I drafted one in my journal but in the end I decided I wasn’t happy with it and went down a different road. I wanted to include it, though, because it wasn’t all bad. Only parts of it. So I put some of the good, useful parts into a zine. I did so by writing the letter onto a piece of lined paper and then tearing it into pieces that fit the pages.

At first I wanted to go with Exit Music (For a Film) by Radiohead as the musical accompaniment, but I decided it was too dark. Instead I went with Love Love Love by The Mountain Goats. It’s a good song and I thought its atmosphere went well with the letter.

Next comes Untitled #1, part three of Revelation. I thought the image on the cover spoke for itself so I decided not to come up with a written title. The zine is made up of journal entries, some of which describe things about sexuality and some of which don’t. It’s very intentionally beating around the bush, but in other ways it’s describing things that I think are important to keep in mind while considering the central topics. The song I chose to go with Untitled #1 is Waiting Room by Phoebe Bridgers. I’m pretty sure it’s a cover but I couldn’t figure out who it’s a cover of so who knows. Anyway, I chose the song because it’s by Phoebe, who is a true bisexual icon, and because it describes a type of vulnerability which is similar to my situation. While the lyrics are about being in love with someone but not being able to control whether you end up with them, and being painfully vulnerable about your feelings for them, my version of this narrative has more to do with my feelings in general and not a particular person. With this zine series I am showing people things that are very personal, that I’ve written in my journal. I chose to do that because often it is the most comfortable way for me to tell people hard things. My journals feel true and pure and I share them as a way of breaking down the walls that confine everyday conversation and creating a more authentic form of expression.

In fact, I got the inspiration for all of this from the musical Hamilton. If you’ve seen it you know that at one point Hamilton is faced with a bad situation in which he is caught in a shameful act. Instead of trying to hide it completely, he decides to publish a pamphlet explaining it and exposing himself to everyone. In doing so, he takes complete control of the situation. Although it may not have had the best results for Alexander, the idea of taking control by exposing oneself through writing has been on my mind for quite awhile. So when my own situation arose, which is not so much shameful as awkward to explain, it seemed obvious that my course of action should be to reveal the most truthful and private form of communication which I engage in, which also happens to be the form of art that I take pride in above all else.

Part four is titled “Fraying”. It’s comprised of a single journal entry of mine, combined with pictures from old postcards. I chose the song Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie to accompany it. My reasoning is that I just really really love the song and wanted to acknowledge it in some way. Also, the sadness and confusion of it goes well with the message in the zine.

The final part of the series is called “Untitled #2”. It is less conclusion and more confusion but that’s really what my situation is anyway. In real life, answers are rare and questions are abundant and you just have to do the best you can with what you know. Time helps too. This one may have been the hardest to post because in it I reveal a level of romanticism which I rarely like to convey, and not the classical music type. However, I have no regret for letting it out into the world. It is freeing to let oneself be known. The words are paired with images cut from a book of “Ready-To-Use Illustrations of Women’s Heads” and also some from a men’s heads version. The books were published in the early 80s and have a sort of ridiculousness to them which I could not overlook when they were on sale at the library. Judging by the old-fashionedness of them I doubt their creator expected them to be used in such a way as I am but they are truly perfect for my purpose.

I paired Untitled #2 with the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Although it conveys the confusion that I experienced, it also offers a nice conclusion and seems to say that everything is going to be alright even if you don’t understand it all. And I think a dash of familiarity at the end is a nice addition.

Another reason why this zine series is a good way to express myself is that it allows me to show the uncertainty with which my thoughts have evolved, and also how things changed so quickly. What I was thinking during Untitled #1 is fairly different than what I was thinking during Untitled #2. It shows how art can be a more holistic form of communication than conversation in some cases.

Thanks for checking out Revelation! Have a nice day!